As a Nurse and a Teacher I often have to research subjects that will ring a bell in my head.
Recently in the UK there has been a drive to include the offence of emotional/psychological abuse into the Law, to really make it clearer as an offence, particularly in children.
In addition to this my research at work is giving me an insight into the increase in self esteem issues and eating disorders in our older generation. At first I was willing to look solely at the media for this awful phenomenon, but now I am not so sure it is entirely media driven.
Could there be a connection? Why would I ask this? I just have to look at myself... whilst I do not have an eating disorder (apart from my comfort eating), I do suffer hugely from self esteem issues and the depression that goes along with it.
As a child I used to think I had fairly normal upbringing, but now I know it was far from that. There really was no love that I can remember. My Mum never loved me... or certainly never told me. Hugs and other signs of affection just did not happen. I believed that she loved my sister more (although she feels the opposite). I always felt I was the one as the eldest who had to prove myself. But I never had praise, I did not learn until after her death that she was proud of my achievements, she never said a word. I have to dig deep for memories of my childhood, as I have buried much of it deep inside, I do remember some of the rare happy times.. most of those were on holiday by the sea. Maybe that's why I love being close to the sea now...
I cannot even say that much about my father, he was just never there. In a sense I understand why, My Mum could be bitter and angry, and often this was directed to us...
I guess in these days this could be a form of emotional abuse... but I get the feeling it may have been more normal then. But when I look back, and compare my life to that of my friends... maybe it was not..
There is so much more but this is just my beginning, the beginning of a life dogged by self esteem issues, the beginning of a life where I fought to achieve and desperately wanted to impress, looking for positivity and praise from those I loved and those I worked for. Searching for worthiness.
I am still doing that... despite my understanding of my problems (this was just the beginning remember), I still look for love and praise from those I love, sometimes one word is enough.. and from those I work for too.
In a sense this has been a motivator, especially in the work environment, but it also has the potential to destroy and at times it has.
So to go back to the start... is our older generation being blighted by their upbringing as I am or is there more to it?
As I delve deeper maybe there will be some cathartic repercussions, who knows. The only thing I do know is that I did learn an important lesson from my parents...
"How not to bring up children"....
More lessons to follow...
Saturday 31 May 2014
Tuesday 31 December 2013
My highlights of 2013
It is a while since I wrote anything here, mainly because I have had little to write about, no major inspirations... I still don't but I have decided to look back on 2013 and as much as I feel it has not been great, I have had some good experiences and feelings on occasion.
Highlight of the Year
It seems sad that my highlight of the year goes right back to the beginning, NYE was spent at the Magic Kingdom in Florida, there is really nothing that can ever top a Disney experience. The whole holiday spent with my family in Florida was amazing, but NYE is full of such hope, so much to look forward to... so spending it in such a magical place increases the hope, increases the dreams and increases the happiness.
Most Exciting Moment
For this I return to the Magic Kingdom, not on New Years Eve but later in the week when all of us in the family did something we have been wanting to do for a while... and that was meet Mickey Mouse. Crazy as it may seem, it is still a very special moment whether you are 5 or 50, just ask anyone who has been there.
As a music lover some of my special moments were spent at gigs. so the next few "moments and memories" are music related.
Best Large Live Gig
It is always very difficult to choose special moments especially when music is such a part of life that you enjoy all of the shows. The many I had to choose from this year included Green Day, Reading Festival, The Killers, Avenged Sevenfold and Bullet For My Valentine, For me however there was nothing to beat Green Day at The Emirates even though it is a horrible stadium, the show itself was fantastic. To have The Kaiser Chiefs playing was an added bonus. But Green Day never let anyone down and their shows are always incredible, exciting and something that creates an atmosphere that is never forgotten. To choose just one picture to sum this day up was impossible, as there were 3 hours in which to take pictures!
So instead I have added a link to a video I took during one of my favourite songs..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcYS4tppVTM
Best Small Gig
This was a tricky choice for so many reasons... But I finally went for Young Guns at the Louisiana in Bristol. The venue is wonderful and the show cheap!! For a band as big as Young Guns it was awesome... it brought back some great memories seeing them in places like Moles in Bath, and the atmosphere was fantastic making it a really intense show with some great company... oh and add the signing at the Vans shop earlier... and it was a great day all round...
My song of the year
Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
My album of the year
Its those guys again, Night Vision by Imagine Dragons, I just cannot stop listening to it, I love every song.
Classical Event of the year
I went to several classical events and many musical shows as well, but seeing Maksim live again for only the second time was something I will not forget. The man is such a talented pianist, and has magic fingers, I have never seen anyone play like him. Just in case anyone wants to know how good he is... click on the link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgTPQMg1VfM
Moment of Peace
Although there have been some great times, there have been many not so great times too and the only way I survive these is by being able to take myself away from reality even for an hour or so and immerse myself in nature..It quite often involves water... be it by the sea or by a River. Many will already know one of my favourite places in the whole world is Cardiff Bay and many hours have been spent just sitting on the waters edge allowing my troubles to be literally washed away... ok maybe not, but I always feel calmer and able to face my traumas after a while here.
But my major moment was at 11am on 11th November (Remembrance Sunday). I know the time and place because it is such an important day in the calendar, and I know clearly how I felt at the moment. Remembering all those fallen and disabled as a result of war... whilst watching and listening to this...
This was taken at Swallow Falls at Betws Y Coed... Snowdonia... such a peaceful place in the winter, for the summer if I want peace, another place I go is the cliff top at Penarth.. the view from there is stunning.. and in the sunshine there is no where better...
Other moments worth mentioning for me are all the times with my family, there is nothing better than time spent with them. I also had a wonderful festive moment at St Fagans Museum singing carols in the beautiful chapel there, and a tearful moment watching Gary Barlow out in Afghanistan.
For 2014, I am hoping for a little luck... a period of time when things do actually go well...
I hope too that all my friends and family have a wonderful year...
HAPPY 2014!!!
Highlight of the Year
It seems sad that my highlight of the year goes right back to the beginning, NYE was spent at the Magic Kingdom in Florida, there is really nothing that can ever top a Disney experience. The whole holiday spent with my family in Florida was amazing, but NYE is full of such hope, so much to look forward to... so spending it in such a magical place increases the hope, increases the dreams and increases the happiness.
Most Exciting Moment
For this I return to the Magic Kingdom, not on New Years Eve but later in the week when all of us in the family did something we have been wanting to do for a while... and that was meet Mickey Mouse. Crazy as it may seem, it is still a very special moment whether you are 5 or 50, just ask anyone who has been there.
As a music lover some of my special moments were spent at gigs. so the next few "moments and memories" are music related.
Best Large Live Gig
It is always very difficult to choose special moments especially when music is such a part of life that you enjoy all of the shows. The many I had to choose from this year included Green Day, Reading Festival, The Killers, Avenged Sevenfold and Bullet For My Valentine, For me however there was nothing to beat Green Day at The Emirates even though it is a horrible stadium, the show itself was fantastic. To have The Kaiser Chiefs playing was an added bonus. But Green Day never let anyone down and their shows are always incredible, exciting and something that creates an atmosphere that is never forgotten. To choose just one picture to sum this day up was impossible, as there were 3 hours in which to take pictures!
So instead I have added a link to a video I took during one of my favourite songs..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcYS4tppVTM
Best Small Gig
My song of the year
Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
My album of the year
Its those guys again, Night Vision by Imagine Dragons, I just cannot stop listening to it, I love every song.
Classical Event of the year
I went to several classical events and many musical shows as well, but seeing Maksim live again for only the second time was something I will not forget. The man is such a talented pianist, and has magic fingers, I have never seen anyone play like him. Just in case anyone wants to know how good he is... click on the link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgTPQMg1VfM
Moment of Peace
Although there have been some great times, there have been many not so great times too and the only way I survive these is by being able to take myself away from reality even for an hour or so and immerse myself in nature..It quite often involves water... be it by the sea or by a River. Many will already know one of my favourite places in the whole world is Cardiff Bay and many hours have been spent just sitting on the waters edge allowing my troubles to be literally washed away... ok maybe not, but I always feel calmer and able to face my traumas after a while here.
But my major moment was at 11am on 11th November (Remembrance Sunday). I know the time and place because it is such an important day in the calendar, and I know clearly how I felt at the moment. Remembering all those fallen and disabled as a result of war... whilst watching and listening to this...
This was taken at Swallow Falls at Betws Y Coed... Snowdonia... such a peaceful place in the winter, for the summer if I want peace, another place I go is the cliff top at Penarth.. the view from there is stunning.. and in the sunshine there is no where better...
Other moments worth mentioning for me are all the times with my family, there is nothing better than time spent with them. I also had a wonderful festive moment at St Fagans Museum singing carols in the beautiful chapel there, and a tearful moment watching Gary Barlow out in Afghanistan.
For 2014, I am hoping for a little luck... a period of time when things do actually go well...
I hope too that all my friends and family have a wonderful year...
HAPPY 2014!!!
Saturday 6 July 2013
Compartmentalising
It is almost a year since I have written, inspiration it seems deserted me, but I guess patience pays off sometimes and this is some thing that came to mind this week. Things I have realised over this last year... and finally I can actually put things into words.
The blog is called Compartmentalising, I do not know if this is the right word and certainly my spell check does not like it, but it works for me. This is how I live my life. This is how I believe I can be generally non-judgmental, this basically is how I cope.
Whether experts would consider this healthy, I doubt it and I know friends would disagree too. Isn't it all about sharing your life with the world? Dumping it all on someone elses shoulders and generally "getting over it" and "moving on" Well not for me....
We all have life stories, life experiences, which shape who we are, we learn from them.
However experience has shown me, many despite everything do not move on. They simply find it too hard, even with sharing, even with expert intervention. So despite learning lessons, some have this innate bitterness towards those who hurt them, or towards people like them.
In a sense I am too like them, although trying hard not to tar everyone with the same brush, there are some who I would find it hard being friends with. However I do not harbour bitterness. Bitterness that I have seen tear people apart, making them appear shy or to the other extreme plain nasty.
All of my unpleasant and nasty experiences in life are still there, never shared, still in the archives, but only to draw on the experiences. Each one has been filed separately, compartmentalised never to appear, unless I need to draw on the experiences.
Something I realise I am doing now, opening an archive, drawing on the experience and this is all good.
However back to the compartments, I full believe this has helped me to get through life, helping me through the bad experiences (which I am not going to detail... for obvious reasons). Each has been shut away, never to surface except in a positive way. Put at the back of my mind, enabling me to get through life in the best way that I can.
I have no bitterness toward anyone, as this eats us up destroys our soul. I kinda like my soul, wanting to hang on to it just as it is for as long as possible... In essence this helps me forgive, I may not forgive everyone publicly, but I forgive in my heart. This allows me to shut the door on the compartment and then hope and pray that those who cause the pain can realise the pain they caused and maybe apologise... allowing me to forgive wholeheartedly and maybe even repair the relationships.
I have deep respect for anyone who can make this kind of admission, and therefore I believe each person deserves a second chance... learning that sometimes this can make things even better. Both parties becoming better people as a result. Allowing new and greater relationships to develop.
I realise this may be a tad controversial, I also know this is not one of my best written pieces... but I am trying to share how I get through... This is how I forgive, this is how I cope, this is how I do not become torn apart by bitterness and anger... This is me.
Yes I get mad, yes I get hurt, but it is not forever. Anger and bitterness are not healthy for any of us, and these emotions need to be addressed however we do it.
The blog is called Compartmentalising, I do not know if this is the right word and certainly my spell check does not like it, but it works for me. This is how I live my life. This is how I believe I can be generally non-judgmental, this basically is how I cope.
Whether experts would consider this healthy, I doubt it and I know friends would disagree too. Isn't it all about sharing your life with the world? Dumping it all on someone elses shoulders and generally "getting over it" and "moving on" Well not for me....
We all have life stories, life experiences, which shape who we are, we learn from them.
However experience has shown me, many despite everything do not move on. They simply find it too hard, even with sharing, even with expert intervention. So despite learning lessons, some have this innate bitterness towards those who hurt them, or towards people like them.
In a sense I am too like them, although trying hard not to tar everyone with the same brush, there are some who I would find it hard being friends with. However I do not harbour bitterness. Bitterness that I have seen tear people apart, making them appear shy or to the other extreme plain nasty.
All of my unpleasant and nasty experiences in life are still there, never shared, still in the archives, but only to draw on the experiences. Each one has been filed separately, compartmentalised never to appear, unless I need to draw on the experiences.
Something I realise I am doing now, opening an archive, drawing on the experience and this is all good.
However back to the compartments, I full believe this has helped me to get through life, helping me through the bad experiences (which I am not going to detail... for obvious reasons). Each has been shut away, never to surface except in a positive way. Put at the back of my mind, enabling me to get through life in the best way that I can.
I have no bitterness toward anyone, as this eats us up destroys our soul. I kinda like my soul, wanting to hang on to it just as it is for as long as possible... In essence this helps me forgive, I may not forgive everyone publicly, but I forgive in my heart. This allows me to shut the door on the compartment and then hope and pray that those who cause the pain can realise the pain they caused and maybe apologise... allowing me to forgive wholeheartedly and maybe even repair the relationships.
I have deep respect for anyone who can make this kind of admission, and therefore I believe each person deserves a second chance... learning that sometimes this can make things even better. Both parties becoming better people as a result. Allowing new and greater relationships to develop.
I realise this may be a tad controversial, I also know this is not one of my best written pieces... but I am trying to share how I get through... This is how I forgive, this is how I cope, this is how I do not become torn apart by bitterness and anger... This is me.
Yes I get mad, yes I get hurt, but it is not forever. Anger and bitterness are not healthy for any of us, and these emotions need to be addressed however we do it.
Wednesday 21 September 2011
Pearl Jam.... The movie.
My Thoughts on Pearl Jam 20...... the movie, shown worldwide 20th September 2011
The film is made by Cameron Crowe, and he has known PJ since the beginning when they were playing as Mother Love Bone, before the Eddie Vedder times.
The whole way through there are touching moments as people they came into contact with are lost.
Their original singer Andy, Kurt Cobain...and later during a disaster that changed their focus competely.
The whole film made an impression on me and my initial thoughts were... if people were watching who were not fans.. they surely would be at the end... The music was amazing and the insight into the story of the band was enlightening... it is easy to see how so many others have been inspired.
Yet PJ themselves admit they too had inspirations, Kurt Cobain was one, as was Neil Young who they credit with being the person who influenced them in such a way that they were really able to become who they wanted to be.
The thing that struck me the most was the passionthey have... passion for music, not really worrying about upsetting people in the business, passion for each other and passion for the fans... wanting to ensure the fans were fairly treated. Things like having a different set list for every show, and the famous time they took on the mighty Ticketmaster and their monopoly.
It surprised me that one of my favourite songs "Alive" was one of their first songs as it is so mature and feels like it should be written later in the career, other songs like "Jeremy" were explained, as was "Release" which has particular memories for Eddie of his father, and explains why he sings with such passion. In his early years his passion on stage is amazing... and his behaviour reminded me of a certain Mr Foster.... as he flung himself backwards into the crowd.... My plea to Alex is... please please dont climb as high as Eddie did... my nerves would not stand it!!!
The toughest time for the band was at Rosskilde 2000 in Copenhagen when 9 fans died in a crush. They realised then the fragility of life and this made them reevaluate their lives.
My final thought on Pearl Jam and how this documentary impacted on me was:
Forget Muse, Forget The Chili's, The Foos, and any other "supergroup". There is only one band in the world that everyone should see perform at least once in their lives, and thats Pearl Jam. I feel very priviledged to have had the opportunity to do that.
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Its all about the People
Ever since I heard that Your Favorite Enemies were going to visit Japan after the terrible tragedies that occurred, I knew that I too wanted to go.
I have always wanted to visit Japan, but now there is a new urgency, the people I have learned to love are in need. So its not about visiting beautiful areas…seeing the sights… touring… its about the people.
I have always wanted to visit Japan, but now there is a new urgency, the people I have learned to love are in need. So its not about visiting beautiful areas…seeing the sights… touring… its about the people.
Those in the Tsunami affected area are of course in the greatest need, and this is why I strongly support the Hope Project initiated by YFE. I would give anything to be able to spend time with those who are suffering there… but its not what I want that’s important… its about the people.
The people most affected need us, they need donations of course, but more than that they need words of encouragement, words of support and the Hope Project is one of the best ways of doing that without actually visiting the area. The people are strong… they are determined to stay in their homes… Encouragement and Hope is something that can help.
The power of words is amazing, they have the power to build dreams, deliver hope, give strength and show love, but they can of course be extremely destructive too…
But for this reason it is important to me to actually see the people.. to give my love, and encouragement in person… because .. Its about the people
But for this reason it is important to me to actually see the people.. to give my love, and encouragement in person… because .. Its about the people
Having spent a fair amount of time with YFE I know that these things have the power to transcend language barriers, a hug can say so much, words may not even be necessary. It always though about the people.
Next week then I get the opportunity to see these people …..
To give them the love, give them the hugs…break down the language barriers.. giving back the one thing they probably don’t realise they have given me…
unconditional love…
To give them the love, give them the hugs…break down the language barriers.. giving back the one thing they probably don’t realise they have given me…
unconditional love…
Give them encouragement, dreams can be reached…. Hope is always there…
Hope will break through and allow them to rebuild…. Am I nervous about going?
Risk of further shocks and the wild media stories about radiation…?
No… even if the risks are there…
Because its not about me….
Its about the people….
Hope will break through and allow them to rebuild…. Am I nervous about going?
Risk of further shocks and the wild media stories about radiation…?
No… even if the risks are there…
Because its not about me….
Its about the people….
Sunday 20 February 2011
Shattered Dreams
What happens when our dreams and hopes just don't work out?
Martin Luther King writes how there are many ways to face this.
Some he says will just withdraw from life becoming so sterile they are unable to experience the joys of love or even the bitterness associated with hate.
Some become so mean they blame everyone for their misfortune and become callous and cold,
Others become fatalists, so they believe that what's done is done, they sit back and wait for things to happen, completely relinquishing control over their life. They lose their freedom and ultimately will lost hope.
So where do we go? How can we go forward and maintain hope?
In 2009 I attended a benefit concert, one that has stayed with me for so long... one that impacted on me so much, I wrote about it in a blog...
You can read it here:
Never give up, take the shattered dream, accept its finality, accept responsibility, then accept it may not happen. No sitting there and waiting till it does. This is the time to create and work towards new dreams, giving new Hope...
Search for opportunities, then grab them when they appear. So many of us get opportunities then stop and think. Dont think! Sieze the chance that comes, dont let go, have faith in yourself!
Recently redundancy hit... I chose to take it... I took it when I wanted it... giving me the opportunity to have the whole summer to enjoy life... unlike my colleagues... who worked solidly throughout... then still lost their jobs in September! I made my choice... for me it was right... I took control.. and started to live my dream.
Recently redundancy hit... I chose to take it... I took it when I wanted it... giving me the opportunity to have the whole summer to enjoy life... unlike my colleagues... who worked solidly throughout... then still lost their jobs in September! I made my choice... for me it was right... I took control.. and started to live my dream.
Dont be a fatalist, nothing comes to those who wait!
Dont be bitter, this poisons the soul and makes for an inhuman and sterile life.
Dont withdraw, introversion leads to loneliness and giving up completely.
Take your dreams, make your choices, regain control and you will be powerful, you will have Hope!
Thursday 9 December 2010
You Can Make a Difference
December 10th is International Human Rights day, and rather than trying to give details of all the bad things that are happening across the world I decided to take a more positive view and give ideas on how to make things better for those who are affected.
Currently the band Your Favorite Enemies (YFE) from Canada, are working closely with Amnesty International to promote the cause but also to show how just a little can make a huge difference. This is my contribution to that effort.
Making a difference does not have to be complicated.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)